Growing alone in desperate hope

Sometimes in life, you develop, you grow.
You experience a feeling deep as thunder,
When you realize that this is happening, and you know.
And at those moments your whole being is flooded by only one single-minded desire: to share.
Share that moment, that experience, that thought. That emotion and that hope.

I wished someone was there with me on many such a time; on those lonely nights. And as I grow older, and they get rarer and far between, still I long for sharing in those moments.
And each time I am alone, no one there with me, no one here to see.

Each such experience, or lack thereof, just isolates you more and more, and makes you able to relate to others less and less. Because you have no common connections, no shared experiences, nothing to relate on.

And so…

I wished that this rarest of emotions I could share, but now I’m left in lonely shame, as the moment passed me by, without a single soul on earth could tell me why!

And in a relationship where I did 90% of the work, how can I be stuck covering 100% of the costs!?! In a reasonable world, I would cover 10% and be on my merry way. But it’s you, that makes me give it all away!

An accountable person would take responsibility.

You own the heart of my life, you play the music of my heart!
How can you expect me to be a functioning man in society!?!
When you have inebriated my soul and stolen my sobriety!
When I have no mind, and live without a heart, since we are apart.

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Part 8 – Final years and dissolution

I attempt to tell this story in parts, but really there are no parts, all of it is the same. Every supposed ‘part’ is just a different perspective, a different side of the same empty, pointless, crippling, decade-long wait. It’s all a circular repetition, just like our interaction was. Continue reading

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Motivational poem, year 2000

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Ask me to be peaceful (poem from 2002)

Ask me to be peaceful, but you irritate me
Ask me to be loving, but you hate me
Ask me to be smart but you won’t teach me
Pushing me so far away, you try to reach me
Continue reading

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Part 7 – The Strictness

There was a park near her house, that she would walk through on her way from school. The first time I walked her home, we walked through that park, and when we reached the end of it, Continue reading

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Putting her needs first

So apparently there’s anger flowing through my words. Well sure. If I wasn’t angry after this I would be made of stone. Continue reading

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Friendly conversation

(texting between me and a friend) Continue reading

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