Growing alone in desperate hope

Sometimes in life, you develop, you grow.
You experience a feeling deep as thunder,
When you realize that this is happening, and you know.
And at those moments your whole being is flooded by only one single-minded desire: to share.
Share that moment, that experience, that thought. That emotion and that hope.

I wished someone was there with me on many such a time; on those lonely nights. And as I grow older, and they get rarer and far between, still I long for sharing in those moments.
And each time I am alone, no one there with me, no one here to see.

Each such experience, or lack thereof, just isolates you more and more, and makes you able to relate to others less and less. Because you have no common connections, no shared experiences, nothing to relate on.

And so…

I wished that this rarest of emotions I could share, but now I’m left in lonely shame, as the moment passed me by, without a single soul on earth could tell me why!

And in a relationship where I did 90% of the work, how can I be stuck covering 100% of the costs!?! In a reasonable world, I would cover 10% and be on my merry way. But it’s you, that makes me give it all away!

An accountable person would take responsibility.

You own the heart of my life, you play the music of my heart!
How can you expect me to be a functioning man in society!?!
When you have inebriated my soul and stolen my sobriety!
When I have no mind, and live without a heart, since we are apart.

Part 8 – Final years and dissolution

I attempt to tell this story in parts, but really there are no parts, all of it is the same. Every supposed ‘part’ is just a different perspective, a different side of the same empty, pointless, crippling, decade-long wait. It’s all a circular repetition, just like our interaction was.

Motivational poem, year 2000

Ask me to be peaceful (poem from 2002)

Ask me to be peaceful, but you irritate me
Ask me to be loving, but you hate me
Ask me to be smart but you won’t teach me
Pushing me so far away, you try to reach me

Part 7 – The Strictness

There was a park near her house, that she would walk through on her way from school. The first time I walked her home, we walked through that park, and when we reached the end of it,

Putting her needs first

So apparently there’s anger flowing through my words. Well sure. If I wasn’t angry after this I would be made of stone.

Friendly conversation

(texting between me and a friend)

Letter to the lawyer

[Like a few of the posts here, this one is more enforced than planned. It is out of sync and too long. That’s because it was a hurried letter to those who want to stop me from speaking, but it is also a kind of summary of the story, and a lot of the issues involved]

I have said nothing yet.

(This post is born just out of frustration with constant interference)

Part 6 – Where does it end? My break in personality.

Just wait. Just wait. Just wait. 5 years is not enough. ‘It’s not enough for me to move in. It’s not enough for me to be there for you. It’s not enough for me to lift your sadness, and your loneliness, and join you’. You must suffer more, wait more, be alone more.